Changing the World

October 2, 2008

God has been constantly speaking and breaking my heart more and more each day over this last week. Last night I just prayed that I would never forget anything that God has done in my heart this week, because it has truly been life changing.

I’ve been struggling a lot at college because I didn’t feel like I had any support from anyone here, because I feel like no one knows me and no one bothered to know me. I’ve been consistent with God and I felt like I wasn’t moving anywhere. I would get upset every night because I just wanted one person to support me and get to know who I really am. It got to the point that during Fire Fall (our campus revival) I was almost sure I was going to transfer somewhere else next semester or next year. I just wanted to go home and feel the support I had constantly felt there.

On the last night of Fire Fall they told us that on Tuesday the only chapel was going to be Bush Chapel. I don’t enjoy Bush Chapel because it’s too churchy for me. I go to Encounter every Chapel which is much more personal and reflective. But there was only one chapel on Tuesday because we had a guest speaker, Craig Groeschel. Staci has been talking about him for weeks so she was super excited. I didn’t know what to expect.

So I went to chapel. When he got up on stage, he said “I don’t say this very often, but the couple times I have, it ends up being right. I feel an overwhelming supernatural power that there are 2 people on this campus today that have received a huge vision from God.” As soon as he said that, I knew it was me. God has given me such a huge passion and such a huge vision that when I think about it, it’s crazy and completely impossible. I have no idea where God is going to lead me with it, but I know he’s called me to it, so I’m going to follow. Craig basically said that God loves to use insecure idiots because they definitely won’t put faith in themselves to accomplish the vision. He said that everyone around us is going to tell us that we can’t do it, and that we need to keep going even if everyone goes against us. He also said that we are going to experience the most pain because of the heart breaking things we will have to see, but we should consider that pain a blessing. The last main point he said was that we need to daily step out of ourselves and step into God’s anointing and power. We also need to take huge risks because the greater the calling, the bigger the risk.

All of that day, my heart was pounding with passion because God had broken through all of the layers I had built up to protect myself here. He struck my heart and set it beating for him again. He renewed my passion for those who are struggling. He gave me a familiar restless night because of the pounding passion of my heart. Although he renewed my passion, I still didn’t feel support from others.

The next day (Wednesday) God gave me the amazing opportunity to go to RAW TV where Renee Yohe was speaking. She has been on tour to share about her new book, Purpose for the Pain. All day I was pee-my-pants excited. No lie, I was bouncing off the walls. All throughout the program, she was just completely honest, open, and transparent with all of us. She explained a little about her story and read a few excerpts from her book. At the end, there was a Q&A on the air and a Q&A off the air. I asked her a question on air about where she sees herself going in the future with helping people through her story. She said she’d basically like to change the world and help make the healing process for others easier by providing them with things she needed while struggling. Throughout the show my heart was pounding because I felt that Renee’s heart resembled mine quite a bit. She specifically mentioned that she wanted to get her hands dirty to help those through the messy healing process. She was being completely honest with us that there is no hope or healing without God. Her heart is so beautiful and her spiritual journey is inspiring.

After the show, Renee had a book signing in the Bolin library. While I was standing in line I just thought “wow, I really want the book so bad but I’m a poor college student.” The girl behind me in line gave me a random piece of paper that I could get Renee to sign. A lot of people ahead of me were sharing their feelings and stories with Renee and her heart was so open to hear everything and respond with humility. It was amazing to watch her kind compassion as she listened to complete strangers tell her about their life. She truly wanted to share life with us for that night while she had the chance. I got up to her in line and just told her that my heart is in the same place as hers because I went through some of the same things. I told her I was a psych major and that I want to change the world and just DO SOMETHING. She smiled wide, and I really felt she truly cared and was able to connect to my passion. Although she had only signed her name for everyone before me in line she said “what’s your name?” I told her my name and she wrote me a simple but incredibly powerful and encouraging note and signed her name. All she said was “Jill, we WILL change the world. Keep fighting. Love, Renee Yohe”. I got a picture with her and gave her a hug. She whispered to me, “I’m SO glad you’re here.” I walked away and waited for Candace. When Candace came over, she had a book in her hands. She said, “do you want it now or later?”. I flipped out and told her to give it to me for my birthday. So I’m super looking forward to reading Renee’s book! We left Bolin to walk back to the dorm and I decided to call Nikki to tell her about my amazing experience.

After I got back to the dorm I realized that I needed to go back to talk to Renee some more. I got the idea that I should ask Renee to talk to Nikki, considering Renee is Nikki’s idol. I walked quickly back to Bolin and made sure she was still there. I waited for Renee to finish the last few signings and went up to her. I said, “I have a really odd request. My friend from home is on the phone and I was wondering if you would talk to her? She’s a bigger fan than I am and it would make her life.” She quickly said “sure!” and proceeded to take the phone and talk to Nikki. I gave them some space and hung out with the other people still lingering in the room. Everyone in the room was saying how cute that was and how nice it was that I did that for my friend. When they were finished on the phone, we hung out with Renee for awhile. We learned a lot about what they’re doing next, we got to see the original script for the movie she’s making, and we heard about all of the spiritual warfare going on with Renee’s ministry. I really believe that Satan is so scared about the incredible impact she’s going to make with her story and he’s just trying to stop it as much as he can. He’s lame. But anyway, haha. I pulled Renee aside and talked to her more about my passion and the incredible vision the Holy Spirit has laid on my heart. She encouraged me in an amazing way when we talked. She told me not to worry about To Write Love on Her Arms ignoring me because the power inside of me is enough to change the world without depending on anyone else to help me. God used her to affirm what He had reminded me of the day before. It was absolutely amazing to be encouraged and supported by Renee. God has such awesome ways of reaching his kids. After we talked, we had a chance to pray over her ministry with her. After the prayer, I gave her a hug and walked back to my dorm.

When I got back to the dorm, I checked my facebook and looked at a photo comment I had gotten from Mel. At that moment, I felt lead to go talk to her to get to know her better. I walked upstairs to find her, and told her I wanted to talk. As we started to walk away, Kari and Anna wanted to hear about my night. We all walked to Mel’s room and I explained the amazing night and all that God had done in a short amount of time. After my story, Kari and Anna left. Mel and I went to the courtyard and just talked for a long time about our passion and visions God had placed on our hearts. She is a social work major and wants to change the world as well. We talked for a long time and spilled our hearts to each other. It was really amazing to know that someone knows exactly how I feel and has a lot of the same passions as me. It was awesome to get her support as well, and I was able to share with her some of the things Craig said just the day before about people like us. I’m glad the Holy Spirit led me to talk to her more and to get to know her heart better. He created an incredible bond between us that I can say I’ve never had with someone else before. I realized that it’s amazing what God is doing in the hearts of this generation. I had never noticed it before that night.

After talking with Renee and Mel, I realized that the three of us are a team. I could easily be angry and jealous that Renee is in the position that I’d really like to be in, but God has placed HER in that position for very specific reasons and He will use me in amazing ways somewhere else, as He will use Mel. I felt our hearts completely connect in a way that only God could orchestrate. It was the first time I felt liberation from my anger with TWLOHA. I learned that God is going to use me whether I’m best friends with TWLOHA or if I never speak of them again. He’s going to use the specific strengths He gave me in order to touch as many lives, and to bring as much glory to His name, as possible. God had restored my personality and for the first time since I’ve been at college, I felt like myself: passion driven and God driven.

This morning at Encounter, I didn’t feel the need to speak words to God. I just sat in His presence knowing that He knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling. I felt my heart was intertwined with God’s in a way that I had never experienced. We just had the opportunity to rest on God’s word and reflect in quiet meditation on the heart of our Father.

In CCU, it was about vision, strategy, and goals. It’s kind of funny how God likes to relate everything to affirm what He has originally told you. I had a chance to reflect and write a few things down about the past few days and write down my strategy and ultimate goals.

Later in English class, while we were taking prayer requests, I felt like I should mention Renee’s ministry. I told the class a little about her ministry and said that I wanted us to pray for Satan to stay away from it. After we prayed, we split up into groups. Katelyn was in my group and she said “were you the one that talked about that movement? Because I’d really like to talk to you more about it later if you don’t mind talking about it.” I was all for it and told her that talking about those hard subjects is my life. We talked a little about Renee’s movement and TWLOHA’s movement. Once again, the Holy Spirit proved movement in my heart.

God is continually helping me grow more into the likeness of my Savior and gently telling me what I am to do with my time on Earth. I’m incredibly excited to see what He’s going to do through my life and in those around me.