Misery

I don't like where I am. Location & Heart.

I seem to be good at making myself and others miserable. I thought this school was going to be great. I pictured college as the place where I could finally do something crazy every night and have fun all the time. I thought it would be a place of exponential spiritual growth as well as the time that I would make my lifelong tight group of friends.

None of that has happened. There have been points where God moves on my heart and reveals a tiny slice of He holds ahead for me. But it's nothing like I expected it would be here. And I certainly haven't experienced even an ounce of what most people would consider "fun".

I can't be myself here. I haven't met anyone that I can open up myself to that won't shoot me down. I butt heads with just about 98% of people I've met so far. The people I know don't know what fun is. Well they do, but our heads just can't think of anything fun to do. The people I know I could have fun with don't even like me because I don't fit with them.

I want to live radically for Jesus. Most people here look at me like I have 8 heads when I tell them I want to change the world. They want to have their traditional services where they can have alter calls and snot fests until the next day when they forget about Jesus. When they hear someone actually wants to think about Jesus all the time and actually move, it's like they ingested something foreign.

I'm on my own with no support. & I've gotten to the point where I'm comfortable sitting alone in my room in misery just because it's what I've grown used to. I hate living like this, but I just create endless misery circles in my mind that I can't escape. I ask for freedom from this bondage and read my bible, but I haven't felt anything but a restless heart.

I'm unsettled with the thought of how I live. Going home isn't much relief either because everyone has built their own lives. The only way to be settled is to go to a different school where I can experience what college is really supposed to be like.

I have to be here another semester. Either that or go home to Carroll, and that doesn't sit right either.