You placed the stars in the sky & you know them by name

I am completely in awe and speechless in this moment.

I was driving home from the store about an hour ago, and I stopped by the mailbox to pick up the Pinto's always overflowing mail. As I looked out of the car, I noticed the sky. And I gasped. The stars were so clear, so beautiful. I came inside and let Ellie go potty, then went upstairs and onto the balcony outside of Doug & Wendy's room. I took Ellie with me because I knew she would cause chaos otherwise. I laid down in silence (Ellie was actually quiet for once, too) and got lost in the beauty of the stars. Laying under the stars always makes me realize how small I am, and how big God is. After awhile, I whispered "God is big, and God is good." Then I said a short prayer. "God, you're bigger than anything I could ever face in this world. You're bigger than my greatest fears, my deepest depression, and my wildest dreams. You're bigger than the utter mess I am. You're a God who has all things, but still you want ME. Why do want this mess?" As soon as I said that, I saw a shooting star. I really felt God surrounding me, telling me, "I love you. I love you. I created the sky for you. I gave up everything just to be with YOU." I started to whisper the words of Sweep Me Away. God as once again left me in awe. And for the first time, I really feel that God loves me with an overwhelming, unconditional, extravagant love. It doesn't matter that I'm a mess. God uses those who ADMIT that they're a huge mess and can't do anything without Him. That's me.

Hope in Darkness

I had an "episode" tonight. We went to six flags today and it was a lot of fun, and while we were driving home I felt an overwhelming sense of lonliness. As soon as I came home i made my way up to my room and laid on my bed for a second. And within a second, my entire body had completely drained of all the energy I had during the previous second. After that, i couldn't move. I couldn't sit up, I couldn't talk so I couldn't call anyone, I could barely move my hands at all. I was so frustrated that depression was effecting my body so intensly. I wanted to go to wendy's because I hadn't eaten in hours, but I wasn't hungry and didn't have the will to move. I managed to type a couple of texts, but couldn't close my phone. Normally, I would be able to snap myself out of it sometime, but it wasn't working. I was praying for strength to get me through this time. After about 15 minutes, I got the strength to sit up and read one of the Psalms, and then fell back down. Then after another 5 minutes or so, I sat up because I knew mom would be coming home soon. As I sat up, I was looking at my "encouragement door" which is covered in verses and quotes. I began quietly singing "Salvation is Here". I know my God made a way for me. Salvation is here and He lives in me. It's gonna be alright. This gave me the strength to stand up, and I continued singing; louder each time. I was driving to Wendy's to get something to eat and on the way over I didn't listen to the radio, I just prayed and sang to God. I sang "Shout Unto God". The enemy has been defeated, death couldn't hold you down, we're gonna lift our voice in victory. On the way home from Wendy's, i turned on 91.9 for some reason. (i don't usually listen to this station). The song that came on was "Praise You In This Storm". It couldn't have come at a better time. I know God's going to take the victory through this trial, and I need to continue to depend on Him for strength and hope. I'm in love with a Savior who conquered the greatest thing on Earth; death. And all for me.

"Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." - Romans 5: 3-4

True Joy

God has truly changed my heart. I don't like the "camp high" that lasts for a few days and fades away. God has shown me through an inevitable yet painful breakdown that He is in control, and can take even the most broken and turn it into beauty for Him. While battling through anxiety and depression, I know God is still on His throne and never left. He has given me permanent joy that last THROUGH the struggles. A while back in freshman year, Kelsey presented the idea to me that We can truly experience joy even while we're depressed. At first, my thought was "are you kidding?" but thinking over it I found it to be true. Going through depression now, the thought was brought back up to my attention. And yesterday, I experienced its true meaning. Our permanent lasting joy and hope is through Him. He gives us the joy of freedom and victory through painful struggles so that everything brings glory to Him in His perfect plan. The depression may be out of my physical control right now, but I have that lasting joy through it all. God has created everything perfect in its timing and although we want the pain to be gone, He has a perfect plan FOR that pain.

He's also reminded me to be authentic with my pain to my brothers and sisters in Christ. If a part of the body is hurting, it needs to let the rest of the body know in order for the pain to not cause destruction and instead, heal. He provided me with sisters that walked into the junk of my life to help lead me back on the right path to Him. If I'm authentic with my struggles, healing can inevitably come quicker. It's not going to be easy, and I'm not going to like it, but God never called us to a pain-free life.


"If it's in pain that Your Name is made great let it be, Lord let it be."